Therapy Through Medicine

First of all, yes, I do think that marijuana can be profoundly beneficial for a depressed person.

I believe that there’s nothing wrong with using it. Cannabis has been grown and traded and consumed all around the world for thousands of years. George Washington smoked it; George Washington Carver smoked it.

And in our time, in the 1950s and 1960s, therapies using marijuana were under development by the psychiatric community — and they were showing promise. But when the drugs were outlawed, so were the studies.

Now that medical marijuana has become something of an established right, the psychiatric community is again experimenting with hallucinogens, and again, they are finding encouraging results.

My own use of cannabis has been sporadic. I go through phases where I crave it, and phases where I don’t even think about it.

I know that this back-and-forth has taught me a great deal. As a depressed person, you are aware of being aware of the different streams of your consciousness. So when you become aware of the state of mind imparted by cannabis, you can remember how to mimic some of it’s effects on your own. You are given a visceral experience of what it is like to have a different consciousness. You toy with changing consciousness. These experiences have helped me a great deal in my efforts to heal.

I should also tell you that I rarely drink alcohol, and that I have never used any drug other than marijuana — except this one time:

Now, given the state of healthcare in our country, I am very grateful that I had access to a psychiatrist at Kaiser. I certainly do not want to sound like I’m complaining about having health care when so many people go without it. But Kaiser’s entire line of treatment was geared to drugs. The doctor told me as much. She wanted to hear my story so she could name disorders and prescribe medications for them, which is exactly what she did.

I agreed to take Citalopram, the generic version of Celexa. And I refused to take the OCD drug along with it. I thought I should take one drug at a time so I could study it. She thought this was pointless, but she was very polite about it.

But if you are depressed, you know exactly what I mean. You can study it. You will know if you can use it.

And I know that a lot of people truly benefit from Citalopram (Celexa), Sertraline (Zoloft), Escitalopram (Lexapro) and Fluoxetine (Prozac). I am certain that people use these drugs in ways similar to the way I’ve used cannabis.  I certainly hope that some of what I’m writing here is useful to people using these drugs, even though they weren’t the right path for me.

There is a natural desire to play with this drug phenomenon, and most people do. I strongly believe it is possible to use these drugs to progress towards mental health.

But obviously, a cure is better than a therapy. For those of us who have used drugs as therapy, can we now embark on a cure?

I’m beginning to think that might be possible. One thing is for certain: enhancing the level of redox signaling molecules in your brain has a wonderfully supportive effect on all of your positive efforts, and it somehow weakens and dissipates the negative parts of your consciousness you are trying to control.

It simply enhances healing, and your brain heals to a more functional version of itself, same as any other tissue.

But this tissue takes your consciousness along with it.


Posted in 4b. Citalopram and Marijuana | Leave a comment

A Book by Sharon Begley with a Foreward by the Dali Lama

Begley writes about science for the Wall Street Journal, and this book came out in 2007.

Basically, it proves that thinking thoughts can change your physical brain.

Common sense dictates that this must be true, because there must be a physical basis for learning and memory. As we learn, we create new pathways in the brain. Now they’ve gotten to the point that they can actually map some of this, but when this book came out it was a big deal.

For a depressed person, the biggest deal of all is the concept that you can change your brain to the point that it is no longer depressed. Imagine if you had a handicap and suddenly there was a scientific basis to believe that you might be able to cure yourself of your handicap.

That you might be able to heal yourself in a way that everyone assumed was impossible.

This hope propelled me through the book in record time. It was enormously beneficial for me to read, because it gave me a physical concept for what I felt going on in my mind all the time.

I think that redox signaling molecules are the key to this — I have tried all sorts of drugs, but nothing, absolutely nothing has had the same impact that enhanced redox signaling has had.

And the reason seems ridiculously simple: The mind wants to heal, just like any other part of your body would want to heal. And it will heal, as much as it can, with what it has to work with.

The things I write about in this blog — my methods, and the degree to which they work — took me almost twenty years of really hard work, day after day, with no rest, to accomplish. So I personally have a great deal of experience working-out my brain.

But you know how you see some guys at the gym day after day, and no matter what they do, they have a gut? Or the woman whose diet simply can not be improved upon, but who is still chubby?

I had the same problem with my mind. There was just something fundamentally amiss, and I could not fix it completely.

Until I added to my body the thing that was lacking — redox signaling molecules. They help the cells heal, and they help the cells communicate. So now I have the extra energy I need to really profit from the exercise I have been doing all these years.

It is a perfect match, and it fits the thesis of this book exactly.




Posted in 1e. Change Your Mind, Change Your Brain | Leave a comment

The Ultimate: Bad Thoughts Don't Even Arise

This is really weird.

If you have depression, you learn how to live with it. It’s a handicap, and you find a way to work around it as best you can. But you’re handicapped, and you can’t escape that fact.

So one method I learned was to “park” the part of my brain that would tell horrible stories over and over again. I learned how to get that part of my mind to run in the background, while I was able to operate other parts of my mind and function in the world. The demon fires would be simmering while I would be working, or talking to you, or in every way appearing normal.

I called it “parking”. If I could, I would “park” my depression in the background, and present to the world a moderately well-functioning human being. Sometimes, of course, I could not do this and I had to hide from the world.

But absolutely NEVER did the demon fires stop. They either took over my consciousness, or they were parked. The only time they would sort of go away was when I was deeply engaged in writing one of my novels.

However, today I’ve had the weirdest experience.

The whole parking method, which has been a moment-to-moment reality for me most of my life, just sort of dissolved. I no longer needed it.

There was nothing to park.

No demon fires to begin with. Depression was not arising in my mind. There was no evil to fight.

This was so unusual I didn’t notice it until I observed my “normal” mind  panicking that something horrible was going to happen to us when the demon fires lit up again.

I flexed the usual “parking” muscle in my consciousness — and it clicked empty. There was nothing there to park. Nothing there to fight. Nothing there to suppress.

As soon as I realized this, I began searching for depressed thoughts the way a long-term hostage will show a demented loyalty to his captors.

Or the way a drug addict will shoot heroin into himself yet again. Because these demon fires are an addiction — I experience intense emotions and adrenaline rushes within them. So the addict in me wanted to go back for more.

But there wasn’t a story running that I could plug into. I had to use my normal memory to pull up a story. And I tried to “get into it” the way my depressed mind habitually would.

Normally, I would just get sucked up into this like a leaf in a tornado. But this wasn’t even a dust devil. It wasn’t even a breeze.

The story died, and I was left wondering why I had even bothered to remember it.

Then I became incredibly tired. I had to finish my work day, but when I got home I laid down and my mind shut off completely. I fell into a dreamless, motionless sleep for thirty minutes.

And now that I’m awake, all I can do is marvel at this. Just marvel at it.

Posted in 1d. Nothing to Park? | Leave a comment

My Experience with a True Healer

I have a wonderful old friend who was born with a crooked back. She has been going to chiropractors and masseuses and healers her whole life.

Knowing that I was going through a lot with these conditions, she suggested that I try Intuition Medicine. She turned me on to this book called Body of Health by Francesca McCartney, PhD. McCartney was born with the ability to see people’s auras, and she didn’t know this was unusual until after it had caused her a world of pain. Since our society was not organized to train people like her in the healing arts, she had to travel a very hard path to essentially establish her own practice and connect with others who were establishing similar practices.

Laura Genoway also had to go through a difficult path to get to her practice in Fairfax. I know less about her because she didn’t really go into detail when I asked her.

What she does is Intuition Healing, which means she deals only with your energy. This whole practice is based on the seven chakras and the aura they generate.

I went to Laura and I explained to her what I was going through. I described my meditations, and I asked her for help to make my efforts at healing myself through meditation more effective.

She knew exactly what to do. An intuition healer doesn’t touch you. I lay on a table and she moved all around me, working on my aura. I could feel her presence very powerfully in my physical body. She was clearly doing something, and she had complete control over what she was doing.

It was amazing. If I had not experienced it myself, I would have brushed it off as impossible. But she is the real deal — she did something.

And it worked. For weeks after seeing her, my depression was dramatically reduced. More importantly, my meditations improved dramatically.

Besides the Definite Chief Aim meditation, I also do energy meditations. You do your best to become aware of your chakras, starting at your sex and moving up to the crown of your head. And you imagine a flow of energy pouring into your head, flowing through you, and then flowing down to the center of the earth. This energy cleans you of negativity, and fills you with vitality. You can almost always capture bits and pieces of this meditation and use it to your benefit.

After Laura’s treatment, my meditation went off the charts. It was awesome how clean I became.

Of course, the effect only lasted a short while, and I couldn’t justify the cost of continuing treatment.

But what she was doing was real, and I hope that someday it will be a regular part of my life.

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Driving Your Life into a Hole

Here are just a few of the things I repeat to myself over and over again:

  • I hate this life.
  • I hate who I am.
  • I hate who I have become.
  • God hates me and I don’t know why.
  • God sneers at me.
  • I don’t want this life.

These thoughts arise from my sub-conscious mind, and I say them out loud. Sometimes I hear myself say them. Sometimes I don’t.

If The Dhammapada, As A Man Thinketh and Think and Grow Rich are true, which they clearly are, then you can see how screwed I am.

If “our lives are a creation of our minds,” and if we attract into our lives the things we think about in our sub-conscious, then you can imagine how thoughts like these would destroy my life.

Perhaps you’re in the same situation.

While higher-functioning people are able to learn how to modify their sub-conscious mind so they can attract good things to themselves, I am stuck in the same project I’ve been stuck in for twenty years. I’m just trying to put out the fire in my soul. If I could just get the negative to stop, I would be happy.

Being able to create positive thoughts to see how they might affect my life is just a dream.

It will probably never come true for me. And I know that is a negative thing to say. But if you have the same conditions I do, you know exactly what I mean.

One thing I do have that some people may not is the will to keep trying until I’m dead. I’m not going to just lie there and let this condition exist in my consciousness.

I am going to fight back. It has taken years for me to make very small gains. But I will keep at it.

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Napoleon Hill, James Allan, and the Modern Self-Help Industry

Self-help literature and elaborate descriptions of how to work the Law of Attraction surround us on all sides, but let be briefly describe it anyway.

The fundamental concept behind the Law of Attraction is that your thoughts create your life. This idea is ancient. Probably the earliest example of it is from the Isa Upanishad, which is a text so old  parts of it may come from before the last Ice Age. It’s called a Buddhist text now, but it pre-dates Buddhism by centuries. The opening passage goes like this:

What we are today comes from out thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: our life is the creation of our mind.

That translation is from the Penguin Edition of The Dhammapada by a guy named Juan Mascaro, who I consider to be the greatest translator of all time.

You now know everything you need to know about the Law of Attraction, but there are two other classics you might want to read as well. This basic idea was re-expressed by an Englishman named James Allen at the end of the 1800s, and his book, As A Man Thinketh is widely considered the classic on the Law of Attraction. It’s about 25 pages long and you can get a digital copy for free.

The other classic, and by far the most widely read and most influential, is Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. Hill interviewed hundreds of highly successful people in the early 1900s — guys like Thomas Edison and Henry Ford and Dale Carnegie — and described the way they think.

All of these guys went through periods of extreme poverty and hardship on their way to success. Henry Ford, for example, went bankrupt three or four times before he invented the assembly line for manufacturing automobiles. Napoleon Hill teaches you how they survived these misfortunes.

But by far more importantly, Hill teaches you how to modify your consciousness so you, too, can become successful. He was writing his book for publication during the depression decade. He was writing for people who had lost everything — their homes, their money, their family, their sense of pride, their optimism and their hope. And he explains exactly what you can do to rescue yourself from a situation that dire.

I hope you read the book. I’ll give you one part of it here: he explains that the whole project of becoming who you really ought to be arises from faith. You must have faith that you will become what you want to become. But of course you don’t have that faith when you are penniless and eating charity food. So he tells you to create your Definite Chief Aim, which is a long description of what you want to have happen in your life and who you will become. He has you commit it to memory. And every day, at least in twice a day, you concentrate on your Definite Chief Aim and you recite it out loud to yourself, really focusing on it.

Faith, he explains, arises from the sub-conscious mind, where our deepest beliefs are held. The whole point behind creating and reciting your Definite Chief Aim is to train your sub-conscious mind and to create faith.

The simple fact is that this method works. That’s why his book is still studied — intently studied — world wide.

But it only works if your sub-conscious mind and your conscious mind function properly. Which mine doesn’t, and which yours probably doesn’t either.

My experience of consciousness, for decades, has been helplessly watching while my demented sub-conscious mind goes off on some horrific story. My whole project has been trying to prevent my mind from producing negative thoughts.

Which is really, really unfortunate, especially since The Dhammapada, As A Man Thinketh, and Think and Grow Rich are all true statements about reality.

Because what you think about is what comes to pass in your life.

And if you are thinking horrible thoughts, then your life will be driven in a horrible direction. Even if you can’t help thinking these thoughts, even if you are suffering from a disease, even if your wholeproblem is a lack of dopamine or steronintin or redox signalling molecules in your brain, it doesn’t matter.

The thoughts going on in your head ARE your life.

And if you can’t change them, you’re screwed. That is my situation.

I’ve written my Definite Chief Aim. I’ve memorized it. And I repeat it to myself twice a day. And I think it is helping. But my mind is defective — very few people are like us — and because my mind is defective, I don’t know if or when Hill’s method might work for me.

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Glimpsing a Positive Feedback Loop from Afar

Since Napoleon Hill put so much emphasis on teaching the subconscious mind how to think, I worked on this as best I could.

He gives you a method: write your Definite Chief Aim, memorize it, and recite it to yourself.

This method might work for someone whose mind was at least partially receptive. But I was bifurcated, utterly. The part of me that wanted this health had to pry open the part of me that was depressed and repetitive.

So Hill’s project was out of scale. I needed something simpler.  I started with the worst and briefest muttering I suffered from:

“I hate my life. I hate who I am.”

As soon as I said it — if I heard it, which was probably about half the time — I immediately replied:

“I want this life. I want to be who I am.”

This was a double-edged sword and I knew it. My subconscious would seize on the truth in it — it would relish the thought of being who I truly am. A crazy artist running around the world. And the rest of me knew that “to be who I am” meant accepting that. Embracing a return to the idealistic and adventuresome ways of my heroes.

Perhaps you find yourself in a similar conundrum.

I decided to go for the radical break, and then a complete recalibration of how I lived my life. The initial break was the hardest part.

And the rest of it is sure to stretch over years.

From my spirit’s point of view, being free, outside, was non-negotiable. And my subconscious changed it’s schtick.

Now it says, “I want to be who I am.”

And since I want that too, I become one person. This is part of the “cusp” that I’m on. I’m on the verge of becoming one person.

I can feel how powerful a position that is.

Posted in 1c. First Successful Modification of Subconscious Thought | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Balance of Power Shifts

The first day of the second week things changed abruptly.

For all these years I have struggled to have the strength to redirect my thoughts. But more painfully, I have always wished that my thoughts did not require constant redirecting in the first place.

As of today, my strength has increased without a doubt. But more magnificently, the thoughts that require redirecting are much weaker. When they arise I can dissolve them more easily.

Normally, there is a constant vacillation between states of mind that are warring with each other. Now, when my healthy mind scores a victory it gathers strength. The fight is no longer even, one for one. A melody has overwhelmed the vacillation, and I am playing it. Soon these destructive thoughts will arise so seldom they will no longer be a part of my life.

What is happening is clear to me. I know my consciousness so well, I can describe this to you. For years and years I have exercised my mind to work towards a healthy consciousness, so I use exercises I invented myself, and I really work them. And I was getting stronger, I was healing.

Now, though, these same exercises are having a much more dramatic effect, and the effect is lasting much longer. Incredibly, I think I am about to begin learning how to sustain a sort of mental positivity for more than an instant. I think I will learn to sustain much longer periods of mental health.

My neurons knew which connections I wanted to use, but it lacked the chemical power to fully sustain the pathways that create the positive state of mind I wish to occupy. Asea has flooded my mind with the energy it needs to sustain the pathways I will to exist. Asea literally is energy — minute bits of energy in a molecular form that is completely native to every living cell of every living on Earth. These molecules are everywhere in you already, and when you drink more of them they are absorbed into your system and across the blood-brain barrier with complete freedom.

And neurons that were struggling to communicate now have the energy to form and sustain pathways. The connections get stronger, and your consciousness comes under your control.

Something like that is at the physical root of the cure to these disorders.

I am discovering Asea after twenty years of training. I can only imagine how it would impact a younger person who is just beginning to understand the magnitude of his disorder.

However old you are, you owe it to yourself to try this. There’s no risk to get a month’s supply — send back the bottles for a full refund. And please don’t try to make it last — take two ounces twice a day for a month.

That’s what I’m doing. And on Day 8, it is amazing.

Posted in 1b. Day 8 -- The First Breakthrough | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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Starting at the Foundation

This could be a placebo effect, because this is only the second day.

But it could be real…

If you read this whole blog you’ll know that one of my main challenges is learning how to stop my brain from telling a story I didn’t want to hear. My ability to do this progressed slowly and painfully over many years of hard work.

Now I’m at the point where I am fully aware of the moment a story arises, and usually I can deny it entry, and dissolve it.

That’s the most fundamental skill for me, the one upon which all others are built. So it makes sense that I would notice an effect there first.

Flooding my mind with native, naturally occurring, tiny and ubiquitous redox signaling molecules is strengthening the foundation of the healing I’ve done on my own.


Posted in 1a. The First Gift from Asea | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment